Global Warming (And Other Stuff!) Solved!

The most obvious solution to global warming is global cooling, right?

If we could just find the global cooling button, we will be able to merrily drive our Hummers and friends and neighbors would nod at us with that nod people use when saints drive by. After all, we'd be doing our part to encourage global warming, right?

Think about it! Instead of having longer growing seasons and more abundant crops, which would be an effect of global warming in most of the planet's established agricultural belts, we could have cold, dreary weather. Hard to see a plus in that? Easy! It would give all the unemployed Warmie Activists a new cause to throw their hysteria behind.

The half dozen or so tropical island nation states that have enjoyed white sand beaches and trade winds while we've slogged through winters will escape emersion by rising seas. They have all the luck.

Latin American and Sub-Saharan African countries will enjoy an economic boom of unprecedented proportions, as they suddenly become the most livable places on earth. Starvation and unemployment? No longer a problem!

Sales of Uggs will be through the roof. Buy stock now.

How do we accomplish all this? Simple. Just dredge up from your bad, bad Cold War memories two little words: Nuclear winter.

For you youngsters, nuclear winter is supposedly what would happen if we let loose the nukes. They would kick so much dust into the atmosphere that the sun would be sufficiently clouded to cause global temps to drop.

Of course, that scenario assumed Mutually Assured Destruction and massive amounts of suspendend dust and stuff. But what if we carefully sized the devices, and put up just enough dust to shave off a couple degrees and knock Global Warming on its over-hyped butt?

How many nukes would that take? If a couple nice-sized nukes were lovingly detonated , one near the equator and one in temperate zones (Tehran and Pyongyang should be about right), I think we could lick this Global Warming thing, plus the whole Islamofascist and Pipsqueak Pain in the Butt Dictator things all in one fell swoop.

Now that's the sort of innovative thinking I was expecting from Baker-Hamilton! Why doesn't anyone ever put me on those think-tank panels?

Related Tags: Global warming, Global cooling, Ahmadinejad, Kim Jong Il