Cheat-Seeking Missles

Thursday, February 01, 2007

New Profiling Guidelines Follow Mooninite Terror Scare

Sean Stevens and Peter Berdvosky sure look the part of global menance: Stoned out al Qaeda dudes if ever I saw one.

For years, the good people of Boston have been telling us how much smarter they are than the rest of us, and how they know what's good for us. Yes, the land of Teddy Kennedy, John Kerry, The Big Dig and the Union of Concerned Scientists (MIT-spawned) -- the only state smart enough to vote for George McGovern -- sure showed us its smarts this time. Kudos to Boston for swiftly bringing these two to justice!

I've just learned that Homeland Security, indebted as it is to Boston for its superior smarts, has issued new racial profiling guidelines to keep America on tip-top awareness after this near-catastrophe.
  • Guideline #1: If someone looks too stoned to afix a blinky-picture to a building, bust him.

  • Guideline #2: Very cautiously secure any person with pale green skin and blue features. They have been known to attach themselves to batteries and look menacing in as many as 30 cities. Well, actually, they aparently only looked menacing in Boston, where people are smart enough to know menacing when they see it. Still, this guideline applies globally.

  • Guideline #3: Immediately isolate all soft drink cups with lids that curl in an expression of hatred. With or without straws, it doesn't matter. Women in mumus or burkhas may just be cleverly disguised as this member of the Aqua Force Hunger Team, a known terrorist group with ties to Tony the Tamil Tiger.

  • Guideline #4: Be on the alert for guys wearing red with spikey french fry-colored hair. Clean-shaven, not clean-shaven, who cares? Red and spiked is enough to run one of these guys in. Another Aqua Force terrorist, with known ties to the al-Ronald McDonald Islamic Front.

  • Guideline #5: Anyone who looks like hamburger -- in fact anyone with a rough complexion -- is a likely terror suspect. Approach with caution; use spatulas and those wierd grill scrubbing pads to control.
Those folks in Boston have been some kind of pain-in-the-rear problem to our president, protesting his war on terror and all. But now that they've seen the enemy face to face and had to deal with the horror of a near-meltdown right there in Bean Town, I'm sure they'll be singing the NeoCon anthem from here on out.

Thank you Ted Turner, for turning around the Bostonian anti-war mindset. All is forgiven. Whoddathunk it when we first saw that name, Turner, that this was your plan all along? Too bad Jane wasn't with you in your moment of glory.

Hat-tip: Incredible Daugter #1
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