Cheat-Seeking Missles

Sunday, June 24, 2007

If You're Gonna Be Green, Be Deep Green

Sedona AZ is one of the most beautiful places in America ... and one of the trippiest, with New Age and hippy vibes coursing through the town. So it's no wonder one Sedona resident wants to make the town -- famous for its red rocks -- even more famous for its greeness.
America's Red Rock Cathedral is becoming a Green Model of Hope for Earth's children. "To keep Sedona healthy and enhance global cooling, our community is taking bold measures," said Green Sedona founder Matthew Turner, a 34 year old environmental scientist.

"Turner offers simple natural solutions which raise the green bar for his Generation X, plus Y and Z," said Suzy "Chapstick" Chaffee, co-chairman of the partnering Native Voices Foundation. (source)
Didn't know "Chapstick" was a native American name. But then, I didn't know "Suzy" was either. That's Sedona for you.

So what does Turner want to impose on hip people of Sedona? Let me count the impositions: Only natural construction materials and cleaning products; a ban on synthetic fragrances, as some Canadian cities have imposed; low flow toilets (aka "two-flushers"); solar and wind energy; mandated "Energy Star" appliances and lighting; an end to turf, with native plants replacing lawns; requirements for hybrids or bio-diesel vehicles; required recyclable shopping bags, and mercury filters in dental offices.

No impositions there!

Turner thinks this will do more than simply cool the planet. His idea is even bigger: to purge the human body of industrial byproducts:
"Together we can reverse the resulting two billion Earth Citizens suffering and dying from cancer alone, while preventing smog, a major cause of global warming."
He seems to be at cross-purposes. Human beings expel what? ...what? ...class? That's right! Carbon dioxide. And carbon dioxide is what? ... class? That's right! A big bad greenhouse gas! Not nearly as bad as water vapor, but still.

So why would Turner want us to live longer? When we die, we stop exhaling greenhouse gases. So Turner needs to add two things to his proposed mandate for Sodona:

First, a ban on cremation, so our carbon-drenched bodies can be forced to decompose underground, sequestering the carbon, rather than releasing it into the atmosphere.

And second, a ban on all medicines and medical procedures, so we die faster, furthering global cooling.

Come on, Turner! I live in the carbon-guzzling OC, not Sedona, and I can come up with this stuff! What's wrong with you, you half-baked Warmie? Stop being a sissy! If you're going to be green, go deep, deep green, not some washed-out, wimpy green!

hat-tip: Jim

Labels: ,