More Tips On Translating The News

For greater understanding, keep these definitions handy as you read and watch the news:

Flamboyant: Homosexual
Confirmed bachelor: See "Flamboyant''
War-torn: We can't find it on a map
All American: White kid caught in criminal act
Intensely private: Not promoting anything right now
Rarely interviewed: Promoting something right now
High-brow: boring
Family Values: Right wing idiot
Progressive: Left wing idiot
Savagely murdered: Murdered
Celebrity: He has a publicist
Superstar: He has a publicist and an agent
Conflagration: what was a fire in the first paragraph, a blaze in the second and an inferno in the third.
Outspoken: Rude man
Strident: Rude woman
Effervescent: She won't shut up.
Sexy: Better looking than reporter's mate
Tearful: Could have been crying
Choked up: Definitely could have been crying
Weeping: Tear spotted in one eye
Entrepreneur: Hasn't made it yet, but we're doing a nice story about him.
Mogul: Has made it, and we're doing a hatchet job.
Activist: Will talk to press
Stunned: couldn't give a decent quote
Towing industry expose: editor got a parking ticket

h/t LT