Warmies Fail Events 101

Any student of elementary PR will tell you not to schedule a rally against global warming in Michigan in mid-April.

"Why do they do that? Why do they hold their big conferences in Montreal in February," asked our in-house PR student, Incredible Daughter #1. "It's like God's throwing everything at them to tell them 'This isn't about you!' and they're not hearing."

Well put.

Sure, it could turn out to be a beautiful spring day, all Earth Mother-y and sceaming of "save the planet!", or it could turn out as it did in Grand Rapids, Michigan, with temps barely making it into the 40s -- about 10 degrees below normal -- following frightful cold there earlier in the week.

But the West Michigan Environmental Action Council apparently didn't take the course, nor did the mothership organization, which scheduled 1,300 such rallies across the country today.

Despite the cold, the Michigan group is undeterred about holding a cold warming rally:

"I think that's an easy excuse, but if we're really reasonable about it, we're not talking about individual weather on individual days," [organizer Lisa] Locke said. "We're talking about something much larger, on a global scale, which science has been tracking for decades." (AP)

Locke and the organizers on the mothership should ask themselves: Why do we hold rallies?

The reason is not to stoke each other up -- although that's usually all they accomplish. It's to get the attention of others, thereby "normalizing" the position of the rallyers. People are supposed to drive by, see a large group of pleasant enough looking peers, and say, "Gee, I guess that's not as whacked out a position as I thought it was. Look, there's Rosie and Randy's nice daughter!"

But today, drivers-by in Grand Rapids will see the Warmies bundled up against the near-freezing cold, breath streaming out of their mouths as they shout, "Hum, Hum, Hum, Hummer! Global Warming is a bummer!"

And for what? Even if you buy global warming alarmism, even if you make the reach to think that human behavior has much influence over global, even cosmic, weather patterns, why bother if you live in Michigan? Here's the best the Warmies could come up with for a local threat:

Scientists and environmentalists warn that global warming could change the character of Michigan: lowering water levels and raising water temperatures, altering the kinds of crops that will grow and leading to new invasive species.

Cue up REM; it's the end of the world as we know it!

Golly-gee, Lisa, we'll have to dig the wells a bit deeper and we'll have to enjoy the temperature in the lakes a bit more. And guess what? For each new invasive species that likes the warmer temps, there will be one that moves on because it's suddenly too warm.

Global warming should be a global war, with people in warm climates fighting to stop it and people in cold climates fighting to keep it going! Why are we all on the same boat here?

And speaking of boats, Locke and the Warmies have that angle nailed:

Locke points out that the rallies are on the 95th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic, which struck an iceberg near Newfoundland.

"They didn't see it coming, the tragedy," she said. "But we do."

Lisa, Lisa, Lisa. Such a fine argument for global warming you make! If the ocean had been warmer and higher, the iceberg wouldn't have been there, and the Titanic would have reached port, slipping into historical obscurity ... and Leo DiCaprio wouldn't be such a premier Warmie mouthpiece today.